Thrill of the Chase

13 Jul

Let’s talk about breakups, and why I can’t seem to sustain a real commitment, and why all of these revelations are so discombobulating to me.

(Please forgive me in advance for using gender stereotypes in this essay. I know that I am committing immortal sins in the standards of feminism, but I would like to use my artistic/poetic license to commit such horrifying blunders for the sake of expressing my emotions in their rawest form.)

woman 2

Once my cousin told me that of all the women in this world complaining about their lack of love lives, I am the one with a lot of love life. I think she was trying to knock some sense into my head that in reality,  while I would always complain about not having a stable relationship, I am not exactly in drought of guys here because she knows that I do date a lot, and I get away with doing a lot of “couple things” even without the “couple” label.  Fair enough.

So I recently broke up with a man who loves me, for a reason too shallow for most. Of course that is on top of the difficulty of maintaining an LDR, various personal issues (of us both) and the problems I keep on encountering because of the bar review.  While people tell me our thing warrants a real second chance, I was done and knew I could never give that. Why? I don’t know. I’ve always thought I have enormous trust issues because I was cheated on before. But then, I had to take a step back after recent events. And I have to just ask myself: what really is the matter?

I’ve had 3 official relationships in my life, the last one included. And in those three real relationships, I was the one who broke each one off — always thinking that I was the victim in each situation. Each time, the guy would promise to change, or ask for a chance to fix things. But i was never sold to making up and second chances. And then I have the audacity to complain that I never get a functional lovelife hahaha. I’m laughing at myself now, because I just can’t keep up with myself sometimes.

Are these three past relationships just not the right ones? Were the men i’ve been involved with really the wrong men for me? Or am I actually, subconsciously, just effin’ not ready or willing to be tied down? Am I enjoying the search, the hunt, the chase for the right guy more than finally getting the guy?  Am I just NOT READY to accept that I actually am a “MAN” when it comes to dating? Maybe. Probably. After all, it goes against all societal expectations.  But when did I ever succeed in meeting socially constructed norms anyways? I’ve been bullied by maybe 8 million Filipinos for not wearing a blazer (and well, looking like a hoe — with a brain tho) in a Senate hearing and I almost got affected by the trolling… only to hear one of my closest friends tell me “well i love it because it is so you!” I was never the kind to conform.

I’ve always had this idea at the back of my head that I am indeed a ‘man’, or at least I want to experience being a ‘man’ in an aspect of my life — and my dating life seems to be the most accessible channel to practice that. But then, I keep on dismissing the idea because I cannot reconcile it with the fact that I do end up getting hurt by it all. I do feel pain and I cry and bargain with the guy I’m with (and about to leave). I turn into a crazy bitch that will scream, shout, stalk and throw tantrums because I feel like I am being abandoned, attacked or betrayed.

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE much.

But I am going to be all-out honest here:

I am starting to realize that the end-result of dating is not what I find most satisfying – regardless if it’s positive or not. It is not landing with a good guy that enlivens me – it is the thrill of the chase. 

THE THRILL OF THE CHASE: the excitement that you feel when you are trying to find something or achieve something difficult.

Alright, I’ll say it – it may be possible indeed that I am subconsciously creating conflict and drama and inciting hate from my partner when everything seems to be going boringly well… because I think it will start the chase anew. And because I am, deep down, a hunter, I am willing to be hurt by the conflict because I know for sure that it is part of the adventure.  If you hunted without getting any bruise, did you even hunt at all?

Maybe this is also why I am so damn attracted to  “fukbois” – you know, the unattainable guys who mess with your sanity and you can’t figure out for the heck of you? Ahhhh they project an image of being a difficult, elusive target that draws and lures the hunter in me. They make me wanna prove to myself that I can get them trapped if I up employ good strategies. And I get crushed once I realize I couldn’t tame them. And then I hunt again. It’s a vicious cycle… and I secretly love the game, with all its crazy aftermath included. I am addicted to the pain it brings me, and the chaos it creates. It feels like all these are part of the challenge. It somehow validates me, as I think that the better hunters play in a harsher, more unpredictable, often frustrating field.

woman

I am good at flirting with fuckbois, but even better at wasting relationships with potential. I cry aloud when I’m being left behind, but the truth is I don’t wanna quit the race, get out of the track, and settle with the one who will not run away for once. What I have is a relationship with my ego – I please it when I feel like my target is starting to like me, I disappoint it when the opposite unravels itself.

I know that men want femininity out of their partners. Relationships last longer when the woman is caring, sweet, loving and soft. A woman has to be run after by a man, not the other way around. For the longest time,  I was sold to the idea that success in relationships rests in playing your gender’s stereotypical part. BUT I HAVE TO GIVE IT A REST. I just am not that. And as much as I want to return the love of those who easily love me, my nature would dictate that I stop loving them once they start loving me back (whether I like it or not).

I am so confused with this realization because despite admitting to myself that I am much a chaser – something that, as per society, only men are allowed to do — I still feel like I want a stable relationship and have a family of my own in the future.  At this point I don’t know how  to make that “dream” happen.  is there a way to solve this inconsistency? Should I start questioning if that is even a real dream for me? Or should I just let things run its natural course? Whatever it is that lies ahead, I know I can only be at peace when I decide to pick one from the two contrasting forces in me:

I either abandon my hunter instincts and start acting like a “lady”, or stop beating myself up for lack of “love life” and start embracing my secret affinity for a culture bereft of genuine feelings but full of intensity.

*photos are not mine. taken from Pinterest via googlesearch. Couldn’t view the name of their creators.

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