Dear Jim

1 Sep

Dear Jim,

Tonight, i talked to God about you. 

I prayed to God as i burst tears of remorse and pain. I prayed that He’d give you happiness as soon as he could, and to send you whatever your heart desires.

I told God how bad of a person i was to you. I told Him this a hundred times. I cried away my pain. I know just how awful i’ve become. 

I asked God to send you the woman that will add value to your life. I asked him to bless you with a consistently happy life from this point onwards. And i asked him to forgive me for being ever so rude, insensitive and evil particularly towards you, and particularly the part two nights.

Jim, i want you to know that every mean word that i dropped pierced me through the heart. But i had to find a way to cut you off. Cut you loose. Your love for me is so unimaginable i couldn’t cope with it. I do not know how to accept your love but you never took it back. 

You do not deserve me. 

You do NOT deserve me.

 You deserve a woman that is far way better than i could ever be. I am a mess. I am insane. I am everything that a man would hate to be with. And yet, you remain. 

You have always managed to confuse me with your love. How can you forgive me so fast? How can you love me so strongly? How can you stay when i did everything to push you away? Perhaps i am not used to being loved this way. Perhaps i am not used to being loved at all. And you are love. You are every inch a kind person. You are unforgivingly tender. You are perfect.

You are someone that i do not deserve. At least not while im this unsure, unstable, unaware. You deserve not the hell that i lay. You deserve not the pain that i create. You deserve not to be connected in anyway to me. Because you are too good of a person. And i am not ready for you. 

I have always toiled in loving and in always being let down. I’ve come to expect that pattern all throughout my life. But you came and shattered it all. Truth be told, I am not ready to deal with the unfamiliar territory of actually being loved in return. And i need to do something about that. On my own. Without you. I am yet to grow up. I have a lot to understand. 

Jim, I’ve deliberately sinned tonight, by once again hurting you with my bladed words. But i hope someday u’l get to see that i did so only because I want you saved. Saved from the chaos that is me.

Jim, i prayed to God to keep you safe. And i mean this from the bottom of my heart. And of all the times that i’ve prayed to God about a man, this is the FIRST time that i asked Him to bless the one i love with a better woman. 

Jim, tonight i talked to God about you. Because i needed something bigger to ask forgiveness from. Someday, when the time is finally right, i promise to ask for yours. 

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