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Girl, Put Your Records On

15 Nov

Three little birds, sat on my window
And they told me I don’t need to worry
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet, little girls double-dutch on the concrete

Maybe sometimes we’ve got it wrong, but it’s alright
The more things seem to change,the more they stay the same
Oh, don’t you hesitate

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Typical Saturday morning for me consists of hanging out in a coffee shop and enjoying a cup of frappe with a book, or with my thoughts. Lately, I’ve been dealing so much with the latter.

Recent events have got me feeling a bit down. Friends and colleagues getting married left and right; others are successfully meeting serious partners from Tinder, Happn or other dating sites; even the ex-girlfriend of Vina Morales’ current boyfriend who I’ve been stalking on Instagram because of their flavorful cat fights and heartbreak induced drama has suddenly quieted down, and is suddenly going to have a new baby and now getting back on track, while I remain the single girl for what? 5 or 6 years now? and the girl who just can’t find the right one who will stay. Oh the tragedy.

wp-image-2093676394jpg.jpegBut then, three little birds sat on my window, and they told me I don’t need to worry. They came to remind me that life is not just about finding the right guy and falling madly in love with him and then marrying him. In fact, a married life, according to them, is so far from the fairy tale concept that most girls, including me, have about it. They said that marriage is hard. relationship is hard. and that they terribly miss being single to be honest.

They miss being able to spend their money however they want. They miss hanging out in nice, expensive alfresco restaurants. They miss leaving the house on weekends, and at any time of the day at that, just to enjoy a serene, peaceful, stress-free moment with a cup of quite the no-longer-affordable frappucino in hand. Basically, they miss everything that I am currently doing effortlessly.

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‘Twas more than I could take, pity for pity’s sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don’t even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to.

How easily did I forget that mine is a life that others covet as much as I covet theirs. While I drown myself with the depressing idea that I might not ever get married and I might grow old all alone and what’s fucking wrong with me and why am I so unlucky when it comes to dating and relationships, these exact people who I’m comparing my life with would actually do anything to be able to live my life (again) for one weekend or even one day.

P_20160622_111816I swear my friend almost slapped me. I’d complain about being 27 already and still single, she’d pound on me that I’m JUST 27 and 27 is STILL YOUNG – The perfect time to enjoy singlehood because I have (relatively) so much money, time, and freedom.

Sometimes, it is good to hang out with the people who are in the situation that (you think) you are dreaming of. They give you a very grounded perspective on the matter.

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I had the opportunity to reflect on this subject further while I was brunching solo at Mary Grace last Sunday, and here are the questions I brutally asked myself:

Is it just my ego pushing me to somehow envy married people or people in relationships? Am I subconsciously thinking that successfully landing a relationship is like successfully accomplishing a project and am I seeing a man by my side as a matter of prize? Do I desire to finally be un-single because I truly want love, or is it because I just want to be like everybody else?

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Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,
Sipping tea in a bar by the roadside,
(just relax, just relax)
Don’t you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hair do

Why do I even have to try to be someone I’m not, or seek validation of the meaning of my existence from an outward experience? I seem to be forgetting what I’ve constantly been reading from a book on Taoism: that I am a beautiful creature of God, perfect in every way despite the human imperfections, complete as it is on its own.

By making a big issue out of my being single, I am creating a problem in my life that doesn’t even have to be there. So I guess I’m writing this to tell myself to calm down and chill on the whole “i wanna have a boyfriend” thing. This is to remind myself that my life is awesome!  That a life filled with food, and alfresco restos,and  books, and cold coffee on a cool sunny morning, and friends and loving family is just as wonderful as a life with a boyfriend.  🙂 And while it’s okay to dream about true romantic love, it’s not okay to measure one’s life only by its presence.

wp-image-1377426280jpeg.jpegGirl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

So my dear self, Janica.. cheer up na! Just live your life one day at a time. Do all the things that you love doing. Try all the things you’re scared of trying. Focus on the things that are already present in your life, not what’s lacking in it. There are so much to be thankful for…

and clearly… there is so much re-reading of Taoism to be done. hehehe.

You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

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Life Will Always Be Wonderful

17 Oct

It’s an hour before midnight, and I am attempting to translate my scattered thoughts into a readable blog. It’s the kind of thoughts that can easily draw back a girl’s smile, but also the kind that is not ripe enough to bring tears down her eyes. For me, this kind of thoughts is the worst kind because it cannot be perfectly articulated…

But I will try…

I am a little bid sad right now. I am sad because I know that I have to let go of something good that I recently found. I am sad because I think I found love but unfortunately it’s the kind that would certainly not last. What’s sadder is that I genuinely feel it is the kind that is true. But just like any other great things, it, too is fleeting.

P_20160627_122141_BF_1I don’t know how to deal with the reality that soon, something i’ve grown to treasure, something I find special will have to slip away from my hands again. And although I have already accepted the fact that it really is not going anywhere, and will definitely not develop into something deeper, it still makes me uneasy.

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Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, love will never come to me…

But I know that this is not a good way of seeing things….

Maybe I’m just really frustrated right now. I’m frustrated that I am once again falling for the wrong person. And the fool in me just wouldn’t learn her lesson. I’d freely give away love that can never be returned. And then when the time comes that it has to end, it has to vanish.. to disappear… I cannot deal with it with grace.

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Oh well….

Life is just like that… we deal with things as they come even though we have absolutely no idea what we are doing. All I know is that it’s time, yet again, to move on from a dream that this someone might just choose me, for a change. Because clearly, it’s not happening. It’s time, yet again, to try again.

But I hope next time I start falling in love… it would be with the person who is not going anywhere. On how to do this, that I still need to learn about. lol.

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They say everything happens for a reason. I may not understand it immediately, I may not be comfortable with it right now, but I know someday it will all make sense.

I think there’s nothing wrong with being sad. I think it’s a very genuine and pure feeling – an emotion that cannot be validated or rationalized. It just is. It just has to be felt. But  while I am declaring now that I am a bit blue, I know someday I will get it right, I will choose better situations for my hopeless romantic heart, and I will find the love of my life… P_20160627_122154_BF

Maybe, what I need to do right now is just enjoy my life even harder as I await the right person to arrive. Maybe, I need to work on being even happier on my own first while the right person is still taking his time to meet me.

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I know that LIFE IS TRULY WONDERFUL. And while I do feel sad, lonely, frustrated or upset sometimes, I still think my life is pretty awesome. And that should be enough to get me through this seeming shit I’m feeling right now.

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“At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.”

…and I should be fine with it. I should graciously let people come and go. It is not easy to do but I really have no choice.

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“The word happiness would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”

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Sadness is cool. Perhaps it is life’s way of making us feel alive… real… human. Life doesn’t  stop challenging us. It doesn’t stop encouraging us to grow,often times it does its work by disguising lessons as painful, hurtful and sad experiences.  Sometimes we just wanna cry “cut it out” because the frustration looks too unbearable. But life doesn’t hear us like that, does it?

What it wants if for us to accept the next test.

And then things get better…

I know it will all get better… I did not suffer all these heartaches for nothing. I know that in the end, life is my ally.

Lavender Fields

9 Apr

I finally love myself. 🙂 That I am sure now. I used to just think that I should start loving myself more. Now I am certain that I already do. I know because I was able to let go of something I’ve always been addicted to but was never healthy for me. For the first time in my life, I genuinely believed that I do deserve better.  Last night, I accepted what is and disillusioned myself from what it could be. It used to be just in my mind you see -being strong and making my own good a priority. Well, I finally can say that I have conclusively made it happen – to choose “me”, to stop settling, to stand my ground when the biting reality comes. That is how I know I have already achieved an important life goal: I now love myself more. 🙂

They said that right decisions are usually the toughest to make. For all the bad and stupid decisions that I made in the recent and not-so-recent past (and trust me, there are so many), I know that the one I made last night was something I’m gonna be most proud of. It was not an easy feat but I did it. It was the culmination of all my efforts to grow and improve myself. And for that I am happy.

bigstock-Stunning-Lavender-Field-Landsc-41183260.jpgNow it is time for a fresh start. Equipped with the right perspective, a smarter mind, and a more dignified heart, I know that I am in for a journey that will finally take me to where I wanna be – a place as opulent and charming as… lavender fields. 🙂  A place to run around free from all ropes of negativity, a paradise where everything is just beautiful and happy and truly meaningful.

Speaking of lavender fields, here is an outfit that is inspired by it:

(ang galing ng segue ko, aminin nyo hahaha)

P_20160324_180944A breezy, summer look that speaks of  quiet glee and pristine calmness. I hope you feel the softness in it, the delicate simplicity of it. Because I do, and I love it 🙂

P_20160324_181001“Life is a paradise for those who love many things with passion”. And out of these many things, the most important of all is ourselves. Loving ourselves with passion is the pinnacle of happiness because while loving other people or things bring enormous joy in our lives,  it is only when we truly love ourselves first can we genuinely love others too. 🙂

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blog29Top and necklace from Landmark, Korean-brand shoes, white shorts gifted by a relative

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I made a personalized journal to remind me of the things that I consider important. I named it my “Dreams and Schemes” notebook because it is where I write down all my hopes and goals and graces in life. The Law of Attraction encourages this kind of hobby. It says that writing down one’s aspirations helps shape one’s frame of mind and way of thinking , which then fuels the reality of one’s life. I think doing this has helped me a lot on this journey. Allow me to give you a preview (don’t judge! hahaha):
blog32Because I remind myself of what’s written on this notebook every single night, I was able to get myself out of a less than ideal situation. Because I wrote down what I truly want, my standards for the kind of treatment by others I will accept  became crystal clear to me. It became easier to stick to what I genuinely want and to do away with things that don’t serve that purpose.

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Next time I will share another entry from my old journal that is a testament of the truth of what I am advocating here. (mejo out of place lang sya ngayon dito haha)

That is all for today!

I hope you get something from my blog entry. 🙂 Have a fun and fulfilling weekend! 🙂

Gracefully

5 Mar

“There’s a trick to a graceful exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over – and then to let go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its value.” – Ellen Goodman

Recently Updated7I’ve always had trouble letting go gracefully. This is because when I love, I love hard. I give it my all before I decide to retreat. I exhaust everything that I have until there is no more I could give, and this usually makes letting go so much harder because it feels like I’ve given up so much of myself for a love that was, after all, not meant to be…

P_20160214_082635_BFSabrina-cut beige top handed down by Tita Baby, loose brown pants from Landmark, brown bag gifted by Tita Lorna

I realized the past two weeks that this is a wrong and unwise way of loving. Heck, it is not what love is supposed to be. By doing too much, we open up ourselves to unnecessary hurt. But love should not make us suffer. Love shouldn’t feel contrived. It shouldn’t feel forced. It shouldn’t require too much energy. In the end, I realized that love is only true when it comes naturally to both parties, at the same right time.

Recently Updated6Necklace and bracelet from Landmark, watch gifted by my mom.

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This is the outfit I wore last Valentines Day – an outfit that made me trip 5 times while touring Intramuros, which he found too cute. lol. While my love story with the guy I was with last Valentines Day ended in a very magulo way shortly after, this nude number, I must say, will always remind me of that moment when February 14 finally felt so special. I’ve always longed for that year when Valentines Day would mean something to me. Never was I treated so well and dearly before but because of him, I got to experience being a princess on this day. He took very good care of me and made the day all about me – just the way I’ve always dreamed it should be. he has impressed the seven year old in me who was enamored by fairy tales and hopeless romantic movies.

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While what we have did not last for very long, I know that there was a reason  God sent me him. Maybe, aside from giving me the Valentines Day experience i’ve always longed for once and for all, it’s also so that I could cross out my Bucket List item number 3? 😛 haha

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Someday, the love that I’m praying for will come. I know it will. Maybe, all the heartache and disappointment are just God’s way of preparing me for that big day. Maybe, He is teaching me to let go gracefully not for the benefit of others, but for the good of myself. He wants me to not self-destruct for love. He wants me to be sure of my love for myself before He gives me another person to take care of. Letting go is an act of kindness to ourselves. Doing it with ease means that we see how on our own we are enough.

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“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you.”

 I understand now. and I promise to deal with it better and to love myself even more every single time.

That is all for today, have a wonderful Saturday! 🙂

Renaissance Man

5 Jan

I walked into his pad at the 35th floor. I didn’t expect to be awed but the grand piano sitting so prominently at the front right side of the house welcomed me as I stepped through the door.

His house was corner to corner reflective of him:  grandiose, minimalist, freakishly clean, and quite intimidating. I personally think it was too big for a bachelor.  The house’s entire right wall was made of glass which allowed you to look down on the whole Metropolitan Manila. I bet anyone would feel privileged being there. I could tell he gets lonely a lot though. I felt it in his house. The fantasticness of it only lasts a few days. After a while, it just eats you up  – and you find yourself waking up to a hollow and quiet space. I wouldn’t wanna be there without him. The place would only light up with his presence: regardless of whether he was there being the boss that he’s always been, or when he’s being the musician that didn’t care about the worries of the world, or when he would totally let his guard down and transform into(finally)  a human being in front of me.

The man’s a billionaire. He drove a BMW, owned a multi-national company which had acquired multiple companies in the music industry, and had a massive factory overseas. Heck he had one community in a faraway province of China named after him. He was once called a renaissance man by one of his peers. Not sure if that person was telling the truth or just kissing ass but either way it was very revealing of who this so-called renaissance man really was. My jaw had dropped countless times with every new discovery.

He was the most eccentric person I’ve ever met in my entire life. He wore the same all-black casual clothes all the time, ate literally the same organic breakfast everyday,he was very health conscious, tyrannical and unpopular (at least to those he had fired), extremely organized, unforgiving with his time (he works literally 24/7 a day), and had an unfathomably beautiful blue eyes.

Ah. those blue eyes.

He was very handsome. Blonde hair and all. He’s tall and fit. He’s annoyingly neat. He had a very arresting smile — or maybe it was just so because a smile from him was rare. His mind never left his office even though he was in a coffee shop eating a cookie and drinking a cup of latte on a lovely Saturday afternoon… with me. He was most of the time serious and scary. But I liked it. And I liked that all these notwithstanding, he was  kind, respectful and patient with me.

There were times when I thought he was starting to care for me. There were times when he’d let me take a glimpse of his soul – the him that doesn’t need to portray constant strength, power and composure. I’d feel special for experiencing this. I bet only a select few could get this close to him. And then he started asking how I was doing more often. and because of this, I’d miss him often too.

He was merely a friend until that point where I decided I wanted him so badly. Unfortunately, he didn’t have time for a fancy dinner with me. And more unfortunately, I was done settling for coffee.

The end.