Turning Thirty

It’s been more than a month since my 30th birthday, and it is only now that I am picking up enough interest to blog again. There are so many things I wanted to write about, so many thoughts I wanted to share… but somehow, the midlife crisis bug bit me hard and got me into a hybernation mode longer than expected.

Two months before October (my birth month), I was experiencing extreme anxiety about turning thirty. It felt like I was about to get to a milestone year without really any milestone in tow. I questioned my significance. I doubted my worth. I forgot about all the wonderful things I’ve experienced in the past as well as the hard work and the degree of competence it took for me to get there.  I suddenly felt stuck in the job that I do even though i have declared time and time again that I immensely loved my work and I derived meaning and purpose from it. I felt left behind. I felt really lost, and really small at times.

I needed some reminding that at 30, I have actually done pretty well with my life. It took a long and serious reflection to bounce back from my “depression”. And I am just happy to have overcome those dark days. I am very thankful for all the people who helped me wake up from that unwanted slumber, who dragged me out of bed every single day to push myself to go to work and continue to make a difference, no matter how tiny, in this world.

Now looking back – with fresh eyes –  at the three decades that passed, I must say that there is nothing I could have done more but just be thankful for the life I have. I’ve received more blessings than I asked for, achieved more than I have planned, I have traveled more than I even actively wanted, and I had the honor to be the one to extend my father’s life. Finally, and most unexpectedly, I have found true love. 🙂 There are so many things that I have gained more than I have lost, and I have been fortunately spared of any serious tragedy to warrant any of my trepidation.

 

So, at the rebirth of this blog, I commit to just go on with my life as a thirty year old girl with utmost gratefulness and grace. I commit to surrender my trust to the universe knowing fully well that it is my ally not my foe.

I commit to better myself in every which way I can, and I commit to share here only positive thoughts, beautiful experiences, important learnings, honest (but never judgmental) sentiments and opinions, worthwhile hobbies, and everything else that lightens up my being.

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I did not throw a grand party for my 30th birthday. Instead, I chose to just celebrate it through a simple Sunday brunch with family.

The restaurant we were at was emblematic of my deepest life goals – I’ve always loved Harlan and Holden Dine for the relaxed, polished, chic, and happy vibe of its interiors. At the end of the day, that’s all I really wish for – to live in a constant sunny disposition, to exude lightness, to help and inspire others, to always be intimately close to nature, to maintain my peace, to be full of love, to spread joy and share my abundance, and to value serenity at all times.

I think that particular midlife crisis I experienced was due to the struggle of my inner self towards valuing my deep goals over my high ambitions. They say that goals that are deep instead of high are harder to achieve. Maybe it is because it cannot be easily quantified or measured by the money you make, or the awards you receive, or the praises you hear. Deep goals do not care for other people’s definition of success. It looks from the outside in rather than the other way around. It is not concerned of mundane rewards but is rather geared towards self fulfillment, resolution, and contentment. And I cannot be any gladder to have reached this point of reaching down rather than up — at 30.  Now that I’ve come close to halfway of my time on this earth, this is one challenge that I’d welcome throughout my remaining years – to realize I am always my best self without relying on anyone else’s standard but mine, and to ultimately aim for significance more than success.

Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

 – Robert Frost