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Missing Things

12 Jul

Ahhh.. been getting lots of questions from various friends and colleagues on when I will be posting my next Tinder Tailor Soldier Spy story. It makes me happy knowing that a lot of people are interested in it, and are appreciative of how I write it, but also kinda ngarag na and panicky because I just cannot find the time and the exact momentum to write the next chaptersย  which in fact the climax na of my online novella.ย I promise (and I’m making this promise to myself, above all else) to work on it soon! prolly this weekend! Anyway I miss writing about it too. I miss the process of recollecting all the details of that episode of my life.ย  Just really busy lately!

I miss a lot of things right now! the TTSS, the lounging on cafes on weekends, reading consistently each day, hanging out with my friends, and yes! hanging out with my cousins, even!

So for now, allow me to just post a throwback set of pictures because (1) no time to think hard about the text of this post, and (2) it seems we all have no time to meet up and this is a subtle invitation/pressure to free up our scheds and hang out already!

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So wait, was this the last time we went out (almost) complete? Coz this was like two years ago pa! Ano na mga teh????

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This was the time when we tried out the Skydeck Restaurant at the Bayleaf Hotel. One of the restos that I love because of the ambiance, and because it is open-air/alfresco, overlooking the classic-ness that is the city of Manila, with a bonus sunset if you come early enough (resto opens at 5:00pm, and caters dinner, not lunch, although the indoor restaurant called 9 Spoons just beneath it is open from morning until night.)

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Ate Joan and I have been here before. Tita Josie and Tita Joy (ate Joan’s mom) brought us here to unwind when ate Jo and I were still both in law school and were under so much stress! hahaha. So, when I got a job (ate Jo was still in school reviewing for the bar then), I made it a point to bring my cousins here and treat them with just as much food and great time as a form of “paying it forward”.

bayleaf2Grabe lang yung na-stock tong pictures na to dito sa blog ko for two years! hahaha. Nakakainis na hindi ako mashadong organized! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ HAHA haba pa ng hair ko dito
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Tara na mga teh… kelan na next? ^_^

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Kathlyn was late so wala sya sa pic except for this one:

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HAHA okay na to. Babush! ๐Ÿ˜€

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Bohemian Heart

1 Jul

Bohemian: a gypsy; a wanderer; A person, musician, artist or writer who lives a free-spirited life and who believes in truth, freedom, passion and love.

There is something about the bohemian lifestyle that beckons me. I love that it encourages discovery of the real meaning of life on earth, and pursuit of the non-traditional concept of happiness. I love that it revolves around the concept of creativity. And so, I try to edit my adult life into something like it. My current situation might not (yet) allow for total liberation from society’s rules and standards, but slowly, I am easing my way into this scarily inviting world of colors and soulfulness and vibrance and freedom.IMG-20180426-WA0014_1.jpgWhen I learned that I failed the bar exam, I was in this bohemian-inspired restaurant called La Laguna Beach Bar in Canggu, Bali. I guess it was out of God’s grace that I was put in this place at that supposedly difficult time, to remind me of who I really am, and who I really want to be, and to preemptively block all the potential self-doubt and self-pity a human being like me might feel in times of “failure”.IMG-20180426-WA0016.jpg

I wouldn’t lie, I cried for around 30 minutes upon learning of the results of the bar exams. But I was also honestly really okay after that. It didn’t even take me a day to grieve this “failure”, and I have this moment to thank for it. As I’ve said in my previous blog, my trip to Bali somehow served as an eye-opener to me for reasons too complex and existential to fully articulate. All I know is, I am ready to fully embrace a life defined by me and me alone, and to choose the path that I must thread with my heart – bohemian as it is- leading the way.IMG-20180426-WA0013_1_1.jpgI have decided to NOT take the bar exams again this year. I just truly feel that it is time to drop this baggage fully now. I have struggled in this line for the longest time. As early as six years ago, I already know this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I persisted for the sake of the people I truly care about and love. But I am exhausted. And the exhaustion is not coming from a good place. And so I figured, it is not really worth it anymore. Our time on earth is limited, hence we must use it with intention and purpose.IMG-20180426-WA0018.jpg

IMG-20180426-WA0001_1.jpgReally, my failing the bar exam I do not consider a rejection, but rather a clear redirection — a chance to finally pursue my real passion, my real dreams. I may not know where to start right away, I may even be a few years behind my timeline of goals now, but all these don’t matter.ย  Today I am not a lawyer, but this fact doesn’t really hurt me one bit, for had I been one, I might probably have been hindered from discovering and doing what my heart really wants to do.

My week-long trip to Bali was my vehicle to finally let myself go. It gave me sufficient time to contemplate and reflect. It provided me the opportunity to decide… and decide without external forces — no family, no relatives, no friends, no colleagues, no nosy neighbors surrounding me physically. All I have is myself, (and Tin who has been nothing short of supportive of whatever makes me happy), and strangers from all over the world coming together to pursue the same thing: freedom — from the chains of the society and the bars erected out of overvaluing money and reputation. No one there is concerned if you are a CEO, a Manager, a Dr., or an Atty. No one there actually cares what you do for a living. All they care about is whether you are, in fact, LIVING. And if you show them how you do it in your own, unique way, that is enough for you to be an inspiration to them.

P_20180426_133528_1.jpgWhat I want is a passion-driven life. I want it beautiful, I want it colorful, I want it simple, I want it to inspire others,ย  and most importantly, I want it to be designed by ME. I’ve always felt like I have not fully explored my creative side because I’ve been too busy pursuing the things that were traditionally perceived to be more important. But now, I have the chance to start following my heart more, and to be more in sync with my inner being.P_20180426_132947_1.jpgWhatever you feel within you as your calling — whatever makes you feel alive — know in your heart that this excitement is all the evidence you need to have your inner passion become a reality.ย  This is precisely how creation works… and it is that energy that harmonizes with the Tao.P_20180426_141059_1.jpgTwo days before coming back to Manila, I was already resolved to tell my parents about my decision not to take the bar exams again. I expected a familiar dramatic dinner scene. I didn’t think it would be easy to breakย  it to my parents, nonetheless, I was prepared to stand my ground. But to my great surprise, when I did finally tell them, they did not stop me anymore. No bargaining, no crying, no compromising, no convincing me otherwise this time. I guess my parents’ sudden, unexpected “blessing” was just an indication that it is finally the right timing for me to quit a time-consuming endeavor that sucks the soul out of me. As they say, when it is meant to be, it won’t be much of a struggle.

I am now a free, wandering gypsy, so to speak. I am now at home. ๐Ÿ™‚

At the center of your being you have the answer; You know who you are and you know what you want. – Lao Tzu

P_20180426_132914_1-1.jpgThis is Tin in her own stylish bohemian outfit, with the tasty truffle omelette, and the toasted bread served with the most delicious butter i’ve ever tasted thus far —> all good things in one table! ๐Ÿ™‚P_20180426_141542_BF.jpgAnd this is me — after crying — eyes so puffy and red — but still unstoppable and more than willing to take pictures for this blog haha ๐Ÿ˜›

You see, for most people, taking the bar exams again after failing the previous one is a very brave thing to do, but in my case? NOT taking it again is the bravest act I’ve ever done for myself so far.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚P_20180426_141928.jpgA lot of friends and colleagues have been telling me that I seem to be getting more “beautiful” lately. Hmmm thank you very much! but I think that it is my soul that they are seeing. Perhaps my aura has lightened up? It must have, because I am truly happy where I am right now. And I am also happy to have before me the big universe of the unknown: Yes, I do not know where life will take me from here. I do not know what lies ahead. But I will not face this uncertainty with fear. Rather, I am facing it with so much excitement —ย  and faith that someday I will end up exactly where my heart wants me to ultimately be. ๐Ÿ™‚

As a friend once said, I have taken the first step to the right direction when I decided to stop walking towards the path I know I don’t want to go.

In light of all the things that have transpired, this bohemian-themed restaurant will always have a special place in my heart. To some it is just another instagram-worthy spot in Bali, but to me it stands as a symbol of the next turning point of my life.P_20180426_141234_1.jpg

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It cannot be any better than this. I cannot believe the magic of being at the perfect place! It converted a so-called “dark” time into a “redefining” moment.

See, I was scared of failing the bar exams because I was worried of how I would react to failing for the very first time in my academic life, but luckily, I turned out to be just fine.

I was in a happy place. In a lovely place. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

I could still remember the last statement I told my dad at that dinner table that night I asked them to allow me to take charge of my destiny. I said ” Papa, I do not need to be rich. I just want to be happy.”

and he said “O sige. Ikaw na ang bahala”. And just like that, I am now free. ๐Ÿ™‚

IMG-20180426-WA0012_1_1.jpgListen to her voice,

hear it echo through creation.

Without fail, she reveals her presence.

Without fail, she brings us to our own perfection.

Although it is invisible it endures.

It will never end.

-Tao Te Ching.

I’M GOING TO FAIL THE BAR EXAMS

4 Apr

…if i don’t start studying seriously. I can feel it. I just can. I’m stuck in a book that I was supposed to finish last January. It’s April now. I’m not even halfway through it. I don’t know how to find my focus. I am such a stubborn little bitch who keeps on going out, keeps on eating out, reading other books and doing everything else except focus.

I honestly don’t know how to start, where to pick up. I spent last night crying and panicking about my snail-paced progress in this goddamn review. I’m not gonna lie now. I feel like after all the academic and professional exams i passed with flying colors in my 27 years of existence, the bar exams will be the death of me.

I don’t know what to do, and who else to talk to. I’ve asked everything I could ask all my -already-lawyer friends now. I’ve drained the hell out of my close office mates and relatives. In the end it is just myself that I failed to have a serious one-on-one talk about this. Everybody has offered me all the help they can give. I just am not asking for any because I’m honestly not even helping myself out.

I feel so helpless yet I know that nobody can really help myself but me. I’m waiting for something to strike me to get me into the momentum. Im afraid I might just be waiting for forever of nothing. HOW THE HELL DID THESE PEOPLE PREPARE FOR THE BAR EXAMS??? WHERE DID THEY GET THE CONSISTENCY IN THEIR DRIVE TO STUDY???? LIKE HOW DOES THIS GO???

I’m stressed out, and i haven’t even studied substantially. I’m stressed out because of the pressure I’ve put on myself.

I’m going to fail the bar exams. Unless I start doing something about it.